The Life Cycle of a Hurler
A hurler goes through many different stages from beginning to end. Most good hurling men and women are born with a stick in their hand and retire with one having been beaten across them repeatedly.
1
The Ball Starts Rolling (5-9 yrs old)
Right, so here you are – 5 years of age and the auld fella has you out in the back garden with a miniature hurl in the hopes that one day, you’ll be lording it for the county team. You’re holding the boss in one hand and propping it against your shoulder, while the other hand points the grip out like a sniper rifle, blasting a couple of birds from the sky. In vain, you’re being gently coaxed to clasp the stick correctly and strike the sliothar along the ground. After a few months of relentless bird-murder, you finally learn the basics of the game. You can now successfully lift the ball and strike it with little or no help. Good lad!
2
The Early Years (9-14 yrs old)
You’ve been sent to hurling camps for the past few summers and you’re now ready to join a team. Typically, you first get involved with the local primary school side and then your local club, where you’re not properly judged until you get up to the under 14s. This stage is vital, as in most cases it defines your role for the rest of your career. Will you be the Talisman, the Try Hard or the Super Sub? Or maybe you’ll just be the Useless F*cker they throw on for a few pity pucks when either giving or getting a hammering. Here, you discover that not everyone is as patient as your parents have been and are introduced to the kind of people that will be forcibly removed from countless matches in the future. You’ll also discover what may become one of your biggest enemies: nepotism. You may not be the Talisman, but you’re still better than the manager’s son who keeps getting on ahead of you, and has the hand/eye co-ordination you'd normally associate with someone full of jagobombs. In any case, once you leave the under 14s, it starts to get serious!
3
The Road to Glory (14-16 yrs old)
By now, you’ve established where you stand within the team. While your position may change quite often (midfield, centre back etc.), only the very fortunate can change their role. So, if you’re currently the Useless F*cker, you’ll most likely be stuck there until the end of your days. That is, of course, unless you are a “late developer” and by some miracle starting plucking balls from the sky or arrowing them over the bar. Either way, it isn’t too late to save yourself but it is highly unlikely that you will. Once you know where you stand, you move onto the next stage of your career.
4
The Burning Enthusiasm (16-18 yrs old)
Hurling, hurling and more hurling. You’ve settled into the Minor team, but you’re not 18 yet so you haven’t (fully) discovered the wonders of beer aside from the occasional flagon in a field. The only thing you want to do is have a puck around with a few of the lads, train and play matches. Your thirst for the game has become unquenchable and regardless of your ability, you just love to hurl. The Leaving Cert is looming large, but you couldn’t care less. If only it there was a possibility of making a living from hurling!
5
The Minor Blip (18-23 yrs old)
Minor is over and you’re into the college years. You’re drinking like an absolute savage and have perfected the art of lying in such a manner that a woman might jump into bed with you. You have little or no interest in interrupting your drinking career for the sake of hurling. However, you know that hurling is keeping you (somewhat) in shape and therefore aiding your riding endeavours with the ladies. With this in mind, you do the bare minimum to stay on the Fresher’s panel and be somewhat fit enough to run around for 70 minutes. Once Fresher’s is over, the chances are you will not hurl for the college again. Instead, you return back to your local club once every 2 weeks for training and matches – just enough to keep your head above water while still being able to deepthroat pints three nights a week. You’re far from fit, but age is on your side so the legs have not yet gone.
6
The Peak Years (23-27 yrs old)
College is over and you’ve now settled into a full time job, or have gone on the dole for an extended period. Where you once jockeyed many fillies, you have now settled down with just the one. You neither have the time or money to drink like you did in college, so you decide to fill this gap with a renewed interest in the game you once loved. This stage, in theory, should be the most fruitful of all. You’re at your physical peak and you’re young enough to train off any pints drank over the weekend. Your commitment is at an all-time high and due to your drinking exploits during the Minor Blip, you have no problem missing a Saturday night session for a match on Sunday morning. Depending on your role, you could be the Great White Hope of the Senior team or scything through bodies with the Junior Bs. By now you’ve accepted your lot, so make the most of this time because it is all downhill from here!
7
The Gradual Decline (27-33 yrs old)
You’ve now peaked and the decline has begun. Both your physical prowess and commitment to the cause start to deteriorate through years of getting belted with lumps of wood and missing social occasions. The fiancée is nagging you because you keep fobbing off dinner at her parents’ house and the head wrecking is getting the better of you. You start by skipping the odd training session or match because of a Christening, the frequency of which start to progressively increase in line with your love of “the craic” and willingness to avoid an ear bashing from herself. Your legs are also starting to go; the blistering pace you once had has been replaced by a train-like ability to turn. You try to make amends for this by becoming “cuter” and limiting your movements during a game. You also become “dirtier”, and wield your hurl like an axe under the high ball. However, chasing around a fella in his early 20s just doesn’t seem worth it when you wake up with rigor mortis the next day. The end is nigh and you know it.
8
The Final Whistle (33-40 yrs old)
The shorts don’t fit as well anymore, the gut is visible from under the jersey and you now show up to most matches with a hangover sent from Satan himself. Priorities have changed and the “young lads” have come for you. If you were the Talisman, you’re probably a Super Sub now, or have regraded to the Junior team. For the Super Sub, you’re now most likely the Useless F*cker and have the match-saving ability of a potato. For the Useless F*cker, you’ve almost certainly become the new Water Boy. Occasionally, you hear rumours of your retirement but ignore them for as long as you can. You might not know it yet, but these have been created so as to give you an honourable departure from the club you’ve served for so long. If you don’t heed these rumours, you will most likely be forced out through passive-aggressive means; be it your 17 year old nephew getting the nod ahead of you, or being asked to play in goal after a career of outfield excellence. There’s a chance you might just venture into management, or become some way involved with one of the underage teams, but that rests on how deep your love for the game really goes. Inevitably, though, you will become one of the angry spectators you encountered in the Early Years and get escorted out of venues on a weekly basis.
So that’s it, the Life Cycle of a Hurler. Now go down to pitch and practice your frees, or head on to little Paddy’s Christening – up to yourself!
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